Josephine's-journeytomotherhood

2008-05-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

Here we are in the middle of IVF # 2. Things are going much better than my last experience. So far the level of stress has been much lower. DH is giving all the shots, my tummy is bruised liked crazy but no stress.
I have my first e2 levels on 5/5/08 they came back 214 then yesterdays came back at 693. My levels are much higher this time around.

I am really bad at this

2008-03-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am having major issues with actually writing in this blog.

Okay catch up time:
We spent the weekend in Niagara on the Lake and it was amazing. We started out the day trying to get our passports. We went to town hall and guess what it was closed for Good Friday, so we decided to go to the post office. We completed our pictures at the post office and were working on finishing our applications when the postal employee started to staple my birth certificate to the application. I freaked out a little and had to put the process on hold because we needed out birth certificates to get across the border.

Once we crossed the border, instead of going to one of the casino's and blowing money we don't need to spend. I talked my dh into going to a bingo hall. We ended up playing bingo for 5 hours. It was a roit, we had a few hours to kill before we could check into the hotel.

When we got to the hotel and checked in there was a chocolate bunny snuggled up on the pillows. We unpacked and went down stairs to partake in the wine tasting in the lobby. We had a little while to rest before our dinner reservations. Dinner was cooking on a hot stone and ended with chocolate fondue. I can't express how amazing it was. Oh yeah, and the bottle of wine was good too.

The next day we took our tour of 5 winerys and had another wonderful day of fine foods and wine. Easter Sunday we had brunch at a winery and I have to say the food just melted in my mouth.

Lets just say I enjoyed having someone else cook, clean and entertain me. Real life isn't as interesting.

Move on March

2008-03-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had another week of not logging in and blogging. I don't know why I find it more difficult to log on when I spend most of my free time on the internet surfing or hanging out in the forums.
Today I'm counting the days until vacation starts. I have a laundry list of things that need to be completed before we leave. I am sitting at my desk counting down the 2 and half days left before we can leave. The crazy thing is we arn't going any where special. Okay is not that its not special but it not a far off vacation. We are driving across the border for a long weekend. I am concerned that dh is coming down with something and will end of sick the entire time we are gone.
I made reservations at a hot stone grill and fondue bar for our first night. I am trying to make it a special weekend for dh, because just one week after we come back I will start BCP again. If things continue to go as planned I should start BCP on 4/8/08, which would mean stims should start around 5/1/08.

Heres another complication for this cycle. We have friends coming into town 5/8 -5/10 with their parents from Romania and staying at the house. It will be crazy if that turns out to be the time I am having my ER and ET. I can't imagine having guests while I am the crampest person in the world or having to be on bed rest while they are here.

Other plans for the year. Mom has decided to come and visit possibly bringing the entire clan with her for the 4th of July. It would be so amazing if we could be celebrating the coming of a little one.

Work in going okay, I made my 50 goal for this semester, but I have a lot more work to do to make this one a great semester. I hope that taking a few days off will help me come back with more energy to get things done. I spent to much time at the beginning of the semester feeling sorry for myself. I hate the why me days. Speaking about the why me days, yesterday one of my co-workers brought her newborn in with her. He is one month old and so cute you could eat him up. Its so hard to be happy for others when your not sure if you will ever have your turn.

I still haven't spent much time on the forums, I read the posts but don't post as much as I was. It's so hard to wait your turn.

2008-03-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

March 10th - Today I feel old. My neice is 13 today and my sister is 3 years younger than I am. What really scary is that the seniors I am enrolling in college - I'm old enough to be their parent. I graduated 18 years ago - wow how old am I. If I don't hurry up and get pg - I will be the oldest mom in the world.

March 10th is also the birthday of my first love. I can't believe that its been 22 years since Bill and I started dating. OMG I am so old.

Winter blues

2008-03-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

We got over one and a half feet of snow this weekend. I am so ready for spring. I'm ready to get out in the yard and start planting flowers and my veggie garden. I miss the fresh food from the garden and watching the birds. My roses are ready to be unburied and I can't wait for the blooms. One of my biggest anticipations is the weather getting warm enough to open all the windows and let this winter air out. I love the snow, but I have had enough already.

We started working on finishing the loft opening this weekend. I started staining all the wood and dh will put it up once I finish varnishing it. Due to the amount of snow we had a relaxing night putting a puzzle together on our new table.

Today one of the girls posted a poem on the forum and it made me think. All of my life I have poured my sorrows out on paper, but for some reason the IF journey never made it to paper. My only thought is that chatting on the forum has let me express the pain and sorrow. I still don't have the hang of this blogging thing, it would be a great way to let out the sonnets. Okay they never really were sonnets just words that helped ease the pain.

The guys are over playing again and here I sit on the computer. I need to make plans for Sundays, or decide to play along with the guys like dh wants. I just can't get my head around Star Fleet Battles. UGG! I do plan on being really bad today and making a chocolate peanut butter cake, I hope it turns out good.

Enough rambling for today.

Shopping trip

2008-03-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

Dh and I have been shopping for a flat screen tv over the last few weeks. We were walking through Sears and came across a family game table on clearance for $99.00. I fell in love with the table so we bought it and put it in the dinette. Its really quite the table top flips and has poker side, a dining side and under neath there is a place for puzzles. Its a great table and I can't wait to have our first meal on it.

Tuesday Happy Tuesday

2008-03-04T16:44:00.000-08:00

Okay I have no idea why my title for this entry is what it is. I am trying to have a little more positivity in my life, but in reality I'm just happy that today is almost over. I can't get over how quickly time is moving, I scheduled an appointment today and realized that I booked it for May I can't believe that Feb. is over and May is getting closer.

I am trying to get more involved in the forums so I can stay positive. I think that not focusing on my IVF journey isn't working for me. That means that I jumping back on the bane wagon and focusing on IVF.

Here's to positive thoughts

I'm really bad at this

2008-03-03T10:11:00.001-08:00

I did much better with my little bed side journal. I can't seem to come up with anything I find interesting to post on a daily basis.

Vacation plans - we decided to go to Niagara on the Lake for a mini vacation. I can't wait 4 whole days of wine and relaxation. We are staying at a wonderful inn and taking a wine tour at our favorite winery. Our little get away is just 17 days away and I can't wait. I am looking forward to cozy nights by the fireplace with my wonderful DH. Its exactly what I need to get my mind around the IVF process again.

I spoke to the RE last week and got my BCP for the next round, but I can't find motivation yet to particiapate in the IF forum. I read the posts, and try to make comments and encourage others, but my selfish side gets a little upset everytime I see someone else with a BFP. I am still having those why me days. They are lasting shorter amounts of time but I want to know when my time will come.

Work - We are halfway through another recruiting period and my potential students are driving my a little crazy. I have had some great interviews but not much is coming from these appts. I am really worried about making my goal this semester. I had two new interviews today and neither one was ready to sign up ugh! I have two from last week which are falling through the cracks and I need to get them firmed back up.

Home - DH is wonderful. He is trying daily to keep me cheered up and focused on other things. He has wanted to go shopping every weekend for the last couple weeks, talk about out of the ordinary. He did buy me a new ipod, which i have full blast now while I'm on my lunch at my desk. I really need to start using it to work out and see if I can't drop a few more pounds before May.

I need to get a life

2008-02-23T20:07:00.000-08:00

Its 11pm on a Sat night and what am I doing? Sitting on the couch searching for ways to make my next IVF sucessful. I need to get a life and stop thinking about the process until its time to start again. Dh is hanging with the guys and I can't even find the energy to go out with the girls. I just want to stay home and work on the nursery. Help me!

One more day down

2008-02-19T15:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm counting my life down one day at a time: The waiting is driving me crazy, and I'm trying to keep myself active. We are planning a vacation to help, but in reality its just another thing to add to the timeline. Yes my mind is not always focused on IVF, but its always there in the back of my mind. Today, one of my students called to drop out of school because she just found out that she was pg. It drives me insane that everyone else can get pg at the drop of a hat and I am sticking myself, stressing myself out and worrying about everything that will help with implantation and what will hurt. What can I do in the next few weeks to help my chances even a little.

How do you turn off your mind and stop thinking about creating the family that you have wanted your whole life? How do you continue to be happy for everyone around you who get pg so easy? How do you look yourself in the mirror, knowing that there is a very good chance that you will never be a mom? I wish I knew.

I wanted to keep the results posted somewhere

2008-02-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

1st IVF cycle
12/19 start BCP
1/12 start stims
(150 Follistim, 3 Menopur)
1/14/08 -1st b/w - E2 92
- keep same dosage
1/16/08 - 2nd b/w - E2 234
- keep same dosage
1/18/08 - 3rd b/w - E2 613
1st u/s - 9 follies - keep same dosage
1/20/08 2nd u/s left side 19mm, 18mm 15mm 13mm
right side 16mm, 14mm 12mm
E2 - 1600
150 Follistim, 4 Menopur, start Ganirelix
1/21/08 3rd u/s left side 21, 20, 20 18, 15 some smaller, right 19, 18, 16, some smaller
E2 - 1611
keep same dosage
1/22/08 - We have 8 mature follies
tonight trigger with Orvidrel.
ER 1/24 - 6 eggs
1/25 - 2 eggs fertilized
ET 1/26 2 four cell ebabies
1st Beta 2/8 -

Mr. Wonderful

2008-02-16T06:13:00.001-08:00

I think that going through this IFV process has made me appreciate my DH more and more each day. Almost from the moment we met I knew he was the one for me, it just took him a while to admit it. Each day I wake up and realize that he is wonderful and I could not have been more lucky in the love department. He has been so supportive and tender since the failed IVF. He is right now planning on a mini vacation to gat us away from our everyday world. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but when we vacation it is usually to visit family or to work on a project with our home. While having children may be a long shot with us, I have to say that our marriage is the best part of my life.

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

Thinking about tonight - We are going to cut up some cheese and crackers, have a little champagne and enjoy each others company tonight. DH got me the best card this year. He usually finds the funniest one for me but this year he went out of character and found a very personal one that was sweet. Everyday, I should be thanking God for bringing him into my life. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. In most ways, I have been truely blessed.

Twenty-seven minutes till I go home

2008-02-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

Well, today is day 2 of my blogging experience. I am sending this one out from work. Today was a very busy day at work, until I decided to slack off for a few minutes and write down my thoughts. Brian and I have decided on starting our next cycle in April with a transfer date of sometime in May. I have to call the RE tomorrow to see what and when we need to get started again. In real life - we are just hanging out at home tonight. I have to stop and buy a Valentine's Day card and something bad for Brian on the way home. I want to be able to give it to him first thing in the morning. He has been so supportive over the last few weeks when my emotions have been going crazy and I been irrational.

Strange news - a former co-worker called today to see if I wanted to start a business with her. It was out of the blue, I haven't even talked to her in ages. I am already over worked and over stressed to think about a 3rd job.

Good news - Big Brother was a blast last night and I am looking forward to tonights show. It's

nice to have some really bad reality tv to watch.

On to the next step

2008-02-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today we made a decision about the next step. We are planning on starting our next round of BCP's in April and our next IVF in May. Its nice to have made a decision and to be able to start looking forward to the next opportunity to be a Mommy.
I was so upset with the failure of our last cycle that I spent 3 days in a haze of tears cuddled in my covers. My love tired to cheer me up, but I needed to take Monday off to have a day to myself and make an attempt to pull myself together. I tried writing my thoughts in a journal during the first trip through IF land. I thought this time I would try the blog so I could access it from any where when the need to express myself hit.